Of all the thoughts that pass through our minds as we go through life, the most futile are the words “it might have been”… as the poet has sung. We torture ourselves with the phrases “if only…” and “I should have” (the famous triad of Woulda, Coulda and Shoulda in typical American short-speak!). Regret is especially corrosive and self-destructive, because almost by definition it’s usually the case that nothing can be done about it, nothing that will change the past or set it right. You can only writhe helplessly in the talons of this demon, and blame and curse yourself into an early grave.
Of course persons who have been positively malicious or vicious have a lot to answer for, and we are not talking about such situations. We are referring to normal every-day human beings, who go through life with the best of intentions, who are not perfect or even consistent, who have their individual hang-ups and eccentricities, who affect others in various ways, who blame themselves for a number of things that happened, and a few that didn’t. My own father, for one, used to sometimes slap himself on the head and mutter some imprecations against himself… mainly calling himself a fool, for instance! He had not got to the stage where he could forgive his own failures, as he saw them.
The fact is that most of us are not in complete control of what happens, even within our immediate family circles, leave alone the greater world. On the other hand, we do have to constantly make choices, with reference to ourselves and others, which are going to have repercussions and consequences. How then can we go through life without constantly having to blame ourselves, or on the other hand becoming insensitive to the consequences of our actions?
Taking as a given fact that we have to act, make choices, many of them on behalf of others, the only way is to adopt consistently a decision policy known as minimizing the maximum potential loss, or the minimax criterion. What each of us will be asked, when we are called to the Final Judgement, is not whether we have been blameless, or whether we have never caused any harm, which of course is an impossibility in this imperfect world. What we will be judged by, is whether, in the same situation and with the same information, a well-meaning person would have acted the same way. This is why intentions are so important in judging our actions; we can all be wise in hindsight, but it’s much more challenging to give good sane advice before the act, on a consistent basis.
If we did something with the express intention of humiliating or punishing someone, out of a sense of outrage or righteousness, for example, such acts would be suspect. There was a famous novel which was quite a cult during my student days, where the rich mother sends an art critic to her art-afflicted son in Paris , to tell him he has no talent; the son dutifully returns to take up the family business. When somehow he comes to know all this later (I think the mother herself crowed to him about in one day), he is furious. The last straw comes when he finds out that his loving girlfriend had also been paid by Mummy to befriend him in his painterly odyssey; that girl also conveys to him that the critic had actually been quite appreciative of his artistic talent. This realisation of his mother's betrayal and manipulation, leads a total breakdown of his self-image and self-identity, and he kills himself. The mother might claim she did all this for him; but it is not admissible to do something like this, which would predictably have enormous consequences if found out, without even consulting the person who would be affected.
In my experience, the more we try to live others’ lives for them, the more mistakes we will tend to commit, because it is most difficult to know and understand what is happening in another’s heart. If the potential down-side, in case of things going wrong, would be a complete collapse of trust and self-identity, any person taking such a huge risk would have to take the blame. You do not send out your army with blank ammunition and paper coats, without taking the blame for their decimation.
Things will still go awry in human affairs, but if we have chosen sensibly, with the need to choose alternatives having the minimum potential loss in mind, then even amidst failure and disappointment, we can do away with the corrosive feelings of regret and guilt.
Despite all this, in every person’s past, there will still have been certain acts or omissions, that ultimately are our responsibility. If they have caused small damage, and we have learnt from these instances to avoid certain types of reactions, then we should accept our blame and carry it through with humility and dignity. If we have not tried to learn and reform, we should acknowledge our negligence even now, and make amends, if not to the original victim, at least to others who may cross our path tomorrow.
Young and adventurous persons make fun of the minimax principle as leading to a dull, safety-first approach to life. They must be reminded that their choices for themselves are not taken in isolation, but have repercussions on the lives of others. They have to make a choice how much they want to risk; but then their parents and care-takers must equally avoid the feeling of guilt if things don’t work out.
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