20 When do you have the right to get angry?

The short answer is … never. I’m sorry to have to cut to the conclusion right at the start, but it’s as well to make the point up front.

But surely, one would say, there are situations in which one has to get righteously angry at the wrong-doer? This sounds plausible, but it is a mental trap. It assumes that there are black and white in right and wrong, and worse, it tempts us into searching for ways to classify parties as right and wrong. This is especially true in situations where we are ourselves emotionally involved, such as family problems, work situations, national affairs like war and peace, and… but you get the idea.

There are, in my experience, no situations in an average life, that will not be made worse by losing our temper. Whether it is family, or colleagues at work or play, or strangers in the world outside, the moment we lose our temper, communication breaks down, a barrier comes between us, and our capacity to influence or even just communicate, is reduced considerably. If we do it often enough, people start shunning us, or going out of their way to avoid certain topics or situations with us; they will assiduously find ways around and behind us, leaving us wondering why we are always left out.

Not losing our temper, not habitually getting angry or using angry words, gives us considerable leverage in finding ways to work together to find solutions. It increases our influence, even with people we see as wicked, corrupt or stupid. Since, by definition, almost everybody else would fit one of these descriptions, this means that our influence with pretty much everybody in this world will increase!

Many of the principles already discussed apply here: the principle of minimizing the maximum damage, for instance, since hurtful words spoken in anger cannot be taken back. A lifetime of trust can be savaged by a single angry outburst; the damage would be very difficult to salvage. The fact is that none of us harbours consistently kind thoughts about others, even our closest friends or family; but there is no need to share every twinge of irritation or frustration with others, especially in moments of irritation. Always go through life with the principle of minimax!

Another principle is that others don’t really owe you; and moreover, they go through life doing things without necessarily thinking of how you will be affected. There is no use expecting them to live their lives around your convenience, so equally there is no call to be losing your temper about them. In fact, very often our view of things is not the only one that can appear plausible; an impartial observer may be much more even-handed in how things are seen. So it is always better to allow for our own wrong-headedness, and not get on such a high horse in our mis-guided self-justification or righteousness, that we cannot get off it without falling! In fact, it is best not to feel righteous, as it can back you into all sorts of horrible corners, like a friend’s dad who didn’t talk to his family for twenty years; he may have passed on without explaining his silence, which probably arose in pique turned into anger.

The other man, we feel, should know why we are angry and should apologize to us first; since the other man, unfortunately, couldn’t be less bothered about placating us, the world goes on its merry way regardless, leaving us festering in our own pool of righteous anger. In fact, anger does more damage to ourselves than to anybody else; if nothing else, it puts up our blood pressure, leaves us exhausted, and may predispose us to all sorts of stress-related physical ailments like heart disease or diabetes. Even if we have to dole out punishment, we need to do it in a non-angry or righteous way; we should be sobered by the consideration that there, but for the grace of God, go we too.