19 They’re not doing it to you – they’re just doing it!

One of the toughest lessons we need to learn in life is that most of the time, people are thinking of themselves, and not about others. To understand this, one has only to observe and monitor one’s own internal dialogue. The implication of this is that most of the time, people are just not thinking of you and how their actions will affect you; there’s just carrying on with their lives and deeds in their own world. When these ‘people’ also happen to be your close family and friends, it hurts all the more… but that’s the truth about life.

Just in case you are thinking that you will be able to influence, control, or transform others, it would be as well to accept that they are not really going to change as we wish, unless they’re actually looking for change. It is of no use working against the grain; that goes for our children and spouses, extended family members, subordinates and superiors, and the world in general, too…

Of course there have been persons who have exerted a strong influence on the course of events and history, and on their fellow humans. One problem with them is that they have been so sure of their own ideas, that they have usually ended suppressing others’. With the best of intentions, those who go through life thinking they know best, cause untold grief and suffering, It takes close on a hundred years for the world to come out of their shadow. Beware the reformer! Beware the persons who subscribe to the philosophy that it’s our job, not just to study history, but to make it. They are one short step from megalomania and despotism.

In our families, in our work places, things will not go as we planned them, people will not behave as we would wish them to. Does that mean we should just put a lock on our tongues and become non-entities, push-overs, limp rags? Not necessarily; but our reactions should be seasoned with detachment.  We react to what the other person is doing, we give a little ‘push-back’ so that they don’t ride rough-shod over us. But we do this without a sense of personal recrimination; we do not allow ourselves to start disliking the person for what they are doing to us. We do not go to sleep fretting and fuming over this person, we do not stay awake half the night plotting revenge. We reason that these persons have something to gain, and obviously the mere fact of my being in the way is not going to deter them. They owe me nothing; I should not interpret their actions as directed against me, as much as for themselves. We assume that they are mostly innocent of any specific hostility to us, we understand that it's not that they care less for us, but that they love themselves more.

This is linked to the concept of ‘mens rea’, the guilty intent, the state of mind, in law. Actions committed without an actual intent, are excused, even if they end up in damage to others. Some such concept should guide us in our reaction to obstinate children, selfish spouses, ill-advised relatives, nagging parents, uncooperative colleagues, and in general a world that spins on as if we didn’t exist!